Published: August 27, 2025
SPRING, TX—As a way to prevent the oil reserves from running out, as they are estimated to do in 2052, oil executives have proposed the idea of turning unwanted children into fresh, new oil. “Oil comes from organic material,” says ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods. “This will simply allow us to make more by using a resource nobody cares about: children.” The execs believe that this will help their business out tremendously by allowing them to continue their dominance in the energy field. This decisions shocks many because of how rare it is for oil execs to consider the future in any capacity when making business decisions. These oil companies also plan to use their new “Literal Baby Oil” idea to advocate for completely outlawing abortion. “This way if a person gets pregnant but doesn’t want to keep the baby, they can just give it to us and we’ll get rid of it for them!” Oil companies like ExxonMobil, Chevron, and Shell just recently have donated millions of dollars each in order to get new anti-abortion laws passed to prepare for the launch of Literal Baby Oil. They claim to expect Literal Baby Oil to replace regular oil “as soon as we can get enough damn babies from the women whose bodies we violate.”